Firsts

There was a false thinking I had about getting through all the firsts after Talia's transition to Heaven. Many of those big firsts came pretty quick after her passing. Talia passed on June 10. Our Anniversary was on July 1 and her birthday was on July 23 , so 2 major ones within a couple months. The false thinking I had, was once you get past the firsts, it would get easier. That hasn't really been the case  because these dates come every year and you don't forget them. Some of the bigger holidays were not so bad for me like Christmas and stuff for whatever reason and we kind of did things low key because of some of Talia's anxiety. What I have found is when you do life together as intimately as we did, there will always be more firsts or reminders. They are incredibly random. Just as an example, in the last 2 days here are some reminders that have come up. I stayed in a hotel this weekend. When Talia and I stayed in a hotel, Talia's routine was sending me to the ice machine to bring back ice to have with her Coca Cola. Simple but I walk past the ice machine now and either laugh thinking about that and get sad in the same moment. Or when I would stay by myself and bring home the make up remover that were in the hotel bathroom for her that I don't have to do anymore. I went past an Insomnia cookie place today, and normally would have stopped to bring her some, or I was making toast this week and l was taught when making toast for her, I needed to get the butter and jam all the way to the edges! Same thing, started laughing and getting sad at the same time.

 I am thankful for all these moments. I did see this the other day and could relate. The Hospice grief counselor who would call me once a month for the first year after Talia's passing, told me, "Your mind will eventually catch up to your new reality, but your heart may always have that hole there" She was right! Miss her every day but am so happy she is with God in maybe Heaven maybe Paradise not sure which one as I study these things now, but all that matters is she loved Jesus and am so glad there is no death because of that and she is at perfect peace. ​