Trust

This is a hard blog to write on so many levels for me. I'm actually not emotionally ready to write it yet, because I'm still going through it, however, God continues impress on me what He is doing in my life that I have to write just a little about it. 

It seems like I have been in a season of loss for a long time. Losses of all kinds not just the passing away of loved ones, although that has been a constant over the past 6 years. Some of the losses were  intentional like resigning from my job, selling my house I built my life with Talia, etc. I've lost 3 very long friendships out of the blue and the latest is the loss of a relationship I was very serious about. She is an amazingly strong, inspiring, Godly, compassionate, transparent, wise, playful, nurturing, sensitive, and beautiful woman. Anyone that knows her, would understand why I was so attracted to her. It was nobody's fault really, just the wrong time for her and her situation. It's important that I don't place any blame whatsoever, needles to say, I don't do really good with these things at all. 

I try and hold these things kind of private, but God is truly trying to show me it is about trusting Him. I learned something about myself however that has plagued me in every relationship I've ever been in. I think I will keep that close too, but needless to say it was very enlightening. 

For me, as a believer in Jesus Christ, it truly is about trusting what God says about us is true. Ironically, and there are a few irony's, is for both of us, a foundational verse in both of our lives is Proverbs 3:5-6 " Trust in the Lord, with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path" 

Very famous verse and get the concept in my head and mind. But what about all these feelings that are eating me inside and my heart that is so broken? 

While the verse provides the answer to my healing. With most promises from God, there is conditional participatory actions that need to be taken in order for the promise to take root and make even my feelings feel better. (Phil 4 put it into action)

The frustrating thing to me, is with all I know about God and believing Jesus died for me, what more should I need to trust Him, also knowing Holy Spirit is in me the same one Jesus had. 

So much of my life has been trying to find that balance between mind and heart. I need the knowledge in my brain to just drop about 5 inches to my heart and things will be cool. It is such a battle for me. 

So, I have listened to this particular sermon many times before, but it popped up in my suggestions so while driving I listened again.(starts about 15 mins in) I think the line that gets me most from Bill is God needs us to trust Him, when we don't get the things we desire. It's easy to trust when everything works out and for a little bit, it really did seem to me that many of my prayers were coming true and dreaming mode was in full bloom. But if we can't trust Him when dreams are shattered, He can't trust us to give us the good things either. I guess it would be like someone that didn't love you the day before but after winning the lottery they now "love " you. LOL

I've known for ever that most characteristics I strive for can only be obtained through trials. How can I prove my faith and trust in what I say I believe unless it's challenged. He also uses the example of a pearl and how it ends up like it does through great pressure. 

Working through all these dumb emotions is sometimes a minute by minute battle in which the only way to victory is changing my mindset to fully focus on God's love for me. He can only give me good things as my Daddy, and when my dreams become unrealized, He is still good and still working on my behalf despite feeling like my world just ended.

I'm working hard and continuing to pray for my dear friend who I still love very much on many things in her life, but part of what I'm learning is to hold loosely most things in life. A very hard concept for me. 

So, as I would not wish upon any enemy of mine the broken heart I have, in some very weird way, I'm thankful for the pain, because I know, God is working in my life because He loves me and wants me healthy. 

Bill also talks about a sacrifice of praise. When you have lost a loved one or ones in my case, or loss of a dear relationship, a gift we can only give God on earth is a sacrifice of praise. When nothing in your body feels like praising God but you do it anyways, God sees what that takes and will honor that knowing the strength it takes in times of loss and pain. In heaven, everything is perfect and there will never need to be any sacrifice! 

God is good all the time and all the time He is good. He is the embodiment of Love! Thank you Lord and I love you!
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