Today marks 11 months missing my wife. It's been quite the journey. Sorrow felt to depths I didn't know existed, but also being able to remember times that made me laugh. I think this last month may be the hardest because there are so many events that are happening that were happening last year at this time. 1 month from today a year ago little did I know would be the last month I had with Talia. I leave for NYC today like I did last year. Last year was a much harder decision to go. Talia wanted me to and Talia stayed at the Hospice facility while I was gone (little did we know she would be going right back.) Things were going so well until the last day, and then I came home to a much different person. The tumor on the brain had moved on the day I was coming back home (which I didn't know until the doctor explained to me what was going on) I think this last month is going to be hard because I watched the decline happen pretty fast in this last month. We had many challenges before this and I was very tired and would continue to be, but this last month really was the beginning of the end.
There have been so many hard times in this past year but it's always for me the stuff you don't see coming. I got 2 biggies out of the way early. Our anniversary was only a few weeks after she transitioned and her birthday was only a few weeks after that. As far as holidays, she didn't go to too many of those so those haven't been as bad. It's the coming home and not having her here and just little things.
One of those things hit me and didn't see it coming. I just got back from Washington D.C. and had visited one of the Smithsonian Museums. Talia liked to live through my journeys and then she could stay home and not be with a lot of people being the introvert she was. She had a magnet collection so whenever I'd go somewhere, I'd get her one or FaceTime her and let her pick out what she liked. Despite being on a lot of trips since she passed, I guess I was never in a gift shop or something so it didn't occur to me, but I did want to get a book from the museum so I stopped in and there they were. I had to keep it together but it hit me out of nowhere. I've adapted to most things (grocery stores are not very fun either but getting used to it) so I ended up buying some magnets. Seems silly in hindsight but I couldn't let that tradition go quite yet.
I start my first recording session for her tribute CD I'm doing in a few days. It will be an emotional journey for me but something I've wanted to do for her.
Thank you for all the love I continue to receive from so many!
Max Colley III
Spirit Filled Jazz Musician