December 10th marked 6 months since Talia transitioned to heaven. Nothing is the same. There are good things about that and very painful things about that. Not a day goes by that I don't cry and miss her beyond words.

Ephesians 5:31 "For this reason a man shall leave his Father and Mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh" 

This has hit home more now than when we were married. Now that part of the one is missing, there is great pain and loss. 

This has been a time of tremendous change. The life I knew is no longer. My soulmate is not here in body. The person I told everything to. I would call her at least 10 times a day to "love in" (she did not like check in lol ) I now hate going to the grocery store. I did all the shopping and cooking. I knew all of her likes and it was fun for me to go and get things and bring them home I knew she liked (even if they were not good for her like sweetarts and spree or local cheesecake she liked). I still go to get these and put them in my cart then reality hits and I just want to get out of the store. Amazing to me how food has so many memories attached to it but it makes sense when you look at cultures and how food is so important to culture, just like music. They both bring people together. 

In addition to the loss of my wife, after 8 years at my job at MSU, I decided to resign. One thing I have come to realize is how stressful my job was (mostly self induced by wanting to do the best job possible for everyone and realizing how many people were dependent on my work) I needed time to heal from this past year and to think about the rest of my days here on earth. It was not a perfect job by any means and there were a few really dark days that still effect me and I'll have to work through yet, but it really was a job made for me and will be the closest thing to a dream job one could have. The thing I will always take away is the relationships. The kids, staff, faculty, schools, and artists. What a blessing to increase my family!

This was a picture of the last moment of my last tour. I just wanted to exhale and reflect in a quiet moment while everyone else was getting on the bus ready to go back home and be thankful for all that God had blessed me with over the past 8 years. 

This season is a gift I have been given. Time has always been more valuable than money to me. I live a pretty busy life. This season despite already going fast, has afforded me time to read and study, reflect and heal, more time to now play drums and trumpet, and travel a little bit. # 1 on my bucket list was going to Israel. I have gone to all my jazz heroes homes to get a better understanding of why they play like they do or just to understand those I have relationships with better. I have gone to many historical sites both good and bad so that the knowledge and pictures from the books I've read and study now become experiences and make everything all the more real despite not being there at the time. The most important thing to me in my life is Jesus. So to go to Israel and be able to be on the Sea of Galilee and swim in the Dead Sea and to stand where Elijah mocked the false prophets and to be in the fields of Ruth and Boaz, to sit on the steps the Jesus walked, to see the valley of Armageddon to see where Jericho is to be in Bethlehem and on and on. Everything became a little more real. Bill Johnson says Faith is the currency of Heaven, but  there is so much evidence now and to actually be in all these places I've read about, makes faith all the more easy. 

So I'm being asked a lot, so what now? The answer is I have no idea. I think that is ok for the moment, it won't always be like that, but I think Talia would say God will open up the door when the time is right.

I have many goals during this time. One to heal. I did not know the toll this took on me. When you are in it, you just take care of your wife. No time for pitty parties or tears, you just have to be strong for your wife and take care of her, but that catches up with you like a freight train once they are gone, I will share a little bit of what life is like with that in a moment. 

This is a time for growth. Spiritual. I'm making a very concerted effort to try and get into a routine and a saturated environment of learning more about Jesus, putting it into use and going deeper in my relationship with Him. One thing you learn just as in music, is the more you know the more you know what you don't know and how far you are from your goals. One true blessing has been the show The Chosen. I"m always afraid of having false images in my head of untruth. I was skeptical of the show. Talia and I watched one episode together. It was ok. My dear friends Jeff and Sue who I met on the trip were telling me how great it was so I bought the DVD's and have binge watched them. These have been so amazing and helpful in understanding the Bible so much more. The character and setting development has been slow and methodical but then just makes you say OH to things you've known you're whole life but didn't mean much. Like Jesus was friends with tax collectors which people didn't like, but this so clearly illustrates just why people didn't like them to the point now I don't like them and I have to learn to love them because Jesus did. That is just one point but I've been thankful for this series and wish I had watched them all with Talia. 

This will also be a season of hopefully musical growth for me and has been fun to be teaching again with my Byron Center and West Ottawa families on a more consistent basis. I also will be working one day a week for West Michigan Band which as always been so good to me over the years. 

So what is the present like? It's by far the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It's been hard for me to articulate what life is like. I have been thankful for many of the books I have read or am reading that can articulate this for me and I will share some here. Also, I have been thankful for calls from the grief counselor from Hospice to the point I asked her if she had a video camera in my house. All of this has led me to believe what I'm experiencing is very normal despite that everyone grieves differently. 

One thing I do know is that the people surrounding me are some of the most amazing people on the planet. As I read in these grief books, typical things that well meaning people do that are not helpful have never once happed to me. The overwhelming comment to me is I don't have advice to offer because I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and I'm here to listen or support in anyway I can. People continue to call and check in on me. That's not typical, after a little time has passed life moves on for most people but not in my case. God has blessed me with such amazing people in my life. I have also met on a mostly monthly basis with two individuals that have also lost their wives. Their fellowship and encouragement and love have been so precious to me. They have had more time but have been able to help me know a few things to anticipate and mostly just be someone that knows what I'm going through. Now knowing what they and many other friends who have had loss deal with, it has given me a much greater understanding and empathy of their pain so I don't just focus on my pain journey. 

Here are some phrases from books that help articulate a little better than I could myself of some of my feelings. However it also includes the strength part and learning of this season in working back from this. 

Trusting God when the miracle does not come when there is only darkness, this is the kind of faith God values perhaps most of all. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken. - Nancy Guthrie

I really liked how Rebecca Rainey Mutz framed the cemetery plot as the doorway to heaven. 

There have been a few great paragraphs from Lamposts by Katy Luse: 

Mourning is the pathway to joy and healing
It’s through our tears we encounter the healing God
Can’t fix the hurt but it matters to God
Friendship with the Holy Spirit is paramount to aid in grief
Truth does not always subject itself to our experience

A touchstone of familiarity from the past found its way to you. Suddenly you are spinning as if the change in your life just happened. Your loss feels so close that it appears it could reverse itself. Catapulted backward, you are now faced with an internal longing for the past that Is digging its heals into your mental process. You remember your life before loss. Emotional proximity reacquaints you with the self you once knew, which highlights how confused you are about who you are now. You want your life back. The familiar will always expose what love is left in you for that person. It can expose that your heart is still alive. Your heart is surviving despite the crushing blow of your experience. You still feel because you still care. The exposure of your pain is an opportunity to heal in a deeper way. 

It is good to continue making memories that are for and about your loved one, even after they are gone. They are not really gone. They are alive. They are more alive than you are. We are the ones who are still dying. Find things to do to honor your loved one. 

​You would never have asked for suffering. Despite this, there are beauties emerging in you through it. Like gold refined in fire, something is happening to your heart that will cause you to radiate above the rest. Loss will end up giving you a deep and purposeful life that many fight aimlessly to find and never do. Even so, you would never have asked for it, not even now. 

​We have an odd way of reaching backward to try to reconcile things that are facing forward. Have you ever noticed that our physical design is facing forward? Our feet face forward; our arms stretch forward; our eyes look forward. We were designed to focus forward and move forward. Walking backward, reaching backward, gazing backward are terribly uncomfortable, and with good reason: it is terribly disheartening for the soul. Holding regrets holds you back. 

In Comfort for the Grieving Spouse's Heart, there are many good statements that articulate feelings: 

I want my old life back 
Everything is different now
Where did you go 
Sadness is like a cloud that follows me
What is life now?
 
Our minds are trying to somehow make sense of what happened and this new reality that has been thrust upon me. Our hearts are reeling from the collision of life and loss. Our mate, our love, is missing. They are gaping holes in our hearts and in our routines. 

I miss you badly
Can you hear me? Where are you?
I look around. It seems like the same world, but it’s not. Far from it. 
Surreal 
 
Our hearts are broken. We’ve taken a massive hit, and our minds are in survival mode. The unbelievable has happened. The unthinkable has taken place. 
 
We try to keep them close any way we can. Pictures videos texts voicemails letter our search is part of love in action. Each morning we expect to wake in the same world as yesterday, but now that illusion is shattered. Everything is off and surreal. 
 
Our minds will spin. Emotions will hijack us. Our hearts will ask repetitive questions. Our souls will search for answers. We are feeling our mate’s absence. This will take time. 

I can’t imagine life without you even though that’s the life I’m living now. I keep going to call or text you. 
 
I don’t know how to do this. I feel terrible. I’m’ sad. I feel alone. 
 
Why did you have to go? I know this is final, but my heart keeps trying to find a way to reverse history and make you appear. I’m not ready to let you go. I love you I miss you. 
 
Love endures all things it knows no time limit. 
 
Their physical presence may be gone yet they somehow linger. Their words, actions, and influence remain hovering around us bouncing about in our minds. Memories have become painful and wonderful at the same time. 
 
I’m alone in a crowd. 
 
We miss them because we love them. We will continue loving and missing them. Their absence will stun us again and again. We oved and so we grieve. 

​I have people who care about me, but I don’t have you. The emptiness is intense. The loneliness is constant. Even when I’m surrounded by people, I feel adrift, alone in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. 
 
My heart just wants all this to go away and for you to come back. I want life as it was
The heart can only handle so much. It shifts into survival mode
 
Life is anything but normal. Nothing quite feels, looks, or even tastes the same. The only way to deal with grief is to grieve.
 
After the loss of a spouse, each day is a journey through a virtual minefield. We never know where the next grief burst is hiding. Anything can trigger it. The heart is looking for ways to express itself and declare its love. The heart is trying to find a way to live with the absence of the one we loved.
 
One day we feel we’re doing well. The next day may not be so smooth. This is the grief roller coaster. 
 
Guilt is common and natural in grief.  How we respond to it makes a big difference. 
 
I could have done so much more good for you. I could have, I should have, if only I hadn’t, if only I had, I wish , What if. 
When a life partner departs, we naturally replay our relationship with them. Our hearts are left to grapple with regrets, missed opportunities, and crushed hopes. We want to take responsibility for what we did and said and make things right. Write a letter asking our mates forgiveness and expressing our love. We need to forgive ourselves. Our hearts will thank us. 
 
We were a pair. A couple. Spouses. Mates. Partners in everything. Now, it’s just me. 
 
I miss talking. I miss your voice, your touch, your embrace, your kisses, your smell, your presence, and your companionship. I miss you. I miss us. 
 
When two become one, going back to two again is impossible. What’s left is one who is torn and full of holes. Like two pieces glued together, we carry parts of our partner with us. Pieces of them are everywhere in our hearts and lives. They live on in and through us. Their influence is powerful and profound. They helped make us who we are. 
 
We carry them with us even while their absence permeates everything. Their physical presence is gone, and yet they are here-everywhere. This is why we grieve. We miss them and long for them. 
 
Certain places, people, events, activities, foods, smells, and music can now pack a grief punch. The goal is not to avoid potential triggers, but rather find healthy ways to handle such situations when thy arise. I not only lost you but much of what was attached to you. 

I'm not through the last book yet but thankful for their words that fail me to articulate currently but that I can so relate with and have had. I also was inspired by C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed" I've also been inspired to watch Pastor's Bill Johnson, Randy Alcorn, and Tony Evans, all whom have recently lost their wives, handle their mourning and inspire through it. 

As far as the future, I know the rest of my days will be for the following in general terms, Let people know about the love of Christ for them, I know music will be a part of it, and I know I want to honor Talia's life. Everything else will work itself out. 

What will I do for a living, will someone else do it with me or will I have to go it alone, will it be somewhere warm lol, all things I think about and desire but will watch God work that out as I learn to submit to the Holy Spirits hopefully greater presence in my life. 

I may have a special post on Mia at some point but she has also been a blessing and I'm thankful to come home to her even though she is getting old in cat years. 

I know I hurt because I loved. I do understand the question of is it better to loved and lost then never loved before? I think that's how it goes. This pain is no joke. I know I will be stronger for it, but to never have experienced the joy of Talia and all our memories and her inspiration. Of course I'm glad I loved. I guess it would be the same as childbirth for which I have no experience but I don't know too many moms that would say despite that my kid grew up so amazing and am so proud, if I had it all over to do again, I'd not have had them because it hurt. That's why so many women go through it again. I know my days are numbered, and I'm thankful for this season to do the best I can at being a steward of what happens with those that remain. I try to visit Talia's Doorway to Heaven each time I go to Grand Rapids. It's a very weird place for me for numerous reasons. I don't really know how to act yet in my mind, I always cry, and I always see my name is on the gravestone basically saying there's only one thing left to put on it. It's a good reminder to me actually to love people the best I can because tomorrow as we all know is not guaranteed. 

I know there is no way around this hurt and pain but despite everything, I am filled with hope and I know as it has always been, is about trust. I'm getting there! I'll leave with these songs, the first which challenges me during this season, and the second which was a theme for Talia which speaks to her incredibly sweet spirit that I miss so much. I'll also leave verses that have been helpful and comforting to me. 

Psalm 34:18: " The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" 

Matthew 5:4 " Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" 

Psalm 56:8 " You keep track of all my sorrows, You have collected all my tears in a bottle, You have recored each one in your book" 

Psalm 62:8 " Trust in the Lord at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge" 

Revelation 21:4 " He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death, or sorrow, or crying, or pain. All these things are gone forever" 

Since I've been back from Israel it's been very busy which is opposite of what I wanted for this season and yet very grateful for it all. God provides! Brief explanations on some of these. 

One of the things that was hard for me while working at MSU was to take my own gigs. Summertime was much easier to do that because it became more of an 8-5 job for me. My playing took a big hit despite having a lot of inspiration around me. So I've had a very busy couple of weeks. 

I'm able to  work again with my Byron Center and West Ottawa families which I'm so grateful for and so proud of both of the work they are doing. Covid has done a number on band programs all around this country so very thankful to be able to still be a part of their programs! 

I got to play my first BWK gig with Brother Keith in KZoo on a terrible weather night!

My walks and nature are so important for me because it takes me away from everything man made and lets me focus on God! 

I was able to go see Chris Glassman's group. The band was killin' and so proud of all of them and thankful for all the relationships in that group! 

I'll probably do a separate post for Mia but God has given me a good companion for this time and even though she wouldn't admit it, was an excellent companion for Talia too! :) 

My friend Ed Spier asked me to fill in with his group the Westside Soul Surfaces and had a good time playing with them!

I'm getting a new horn!!!! it's been well over 25 years. I'm not a big gear head, but had fun going to the Chicago Suburbs to Schilke and trying out options with the new Faddis Horn and got 2 mouthpieces which have been awesome too! Thanks to Bennett Heinz for all your help! Gonna take 10 months to get the horn! 

I had fun celebrating my 2 nieces birthdays. It's unreal how fast time flies!

I had a good time taking out my Sisters to see Harry Connick Jr. It was good to also see Jimmy Greene play and to say hey to my friend Neal Caine who plays bass with Harry. I was blessed to record one of Neal's tunes with Neal on my last CD!

I said I'd never go another one of my nieces and nephews sporting events after the last one I went to. I was close to having to really make a scene because the other teams coach pretty much had every kid crying and the ref. However, swimming was pretty harmless. LOL So it was fun to see Ess swim in Spring Lake. (not the actual lake)

Then I got to relive the fun I had many moons ago, when I got to sub in TIJO. My new mouthpiece made it even more fun. That is a hard book but I made it through. The band is special because this is where I pretty much cut my teeth learning to play lead trumpet. So many friends in the band, had fun playing with a former student who brought me chocolate :) and of course one of my main influences who I owe so much to, Mr. Tim Froncek. 

​My family goes well beyond blood. My brother Alvin's family is all doing great things but one is more exposed as of late because he has been landing tv show appearances. I had fun babysitting a couple of his kids a few times but then I got to hold Kaden as an actual baby. So it was fun to see him make an appearance on Abbott Elementary! 

I think I'm going to write a separate blog on my drum family because it's such a special group and I was so happy to be able to spend a little time with him this past week. He is simply known as Hammer! He was most gracious with his time for me and I was so glad to be able to fellowship with him. Did the heart good! It was also good to see Ellen Rowe again and hear the groups! 

I had to rush back to play a tune with the Lowell HS Orchestra and my friend Joe Oprea. Joe has been a constant support to me! It was also good to see my good friend from HS Tim Haan who has been there for 32 years. They are blessed to have both of them! 

Speaking of drum brothers, Always good to share a meal with the one and only Uncle G who again was and is so supportive through everything!

I love playing with Pat Cronley. He is awesome and hires me on trumpet and drums. He is a treasure to the state but such a blessing for the Flint area! Always a pleasure. 

​And finally played with the Blue Water Kings on a last min hit. It was a great band and thankful for the friendships, source of income, and professionalism of all involved. 

Like everyone, I'm stunned to hear the news of the passing of my friend Andrew Speight. Andrew was about as passionate as you could get about jazz and served the music and the community well. He was super kind to me and always made time for me. He had agreed to play on one of my next projects. I didn't know Andrew from his time at MSU as that was before my time, but really got to know him on one of our tours we had him back for. Then anytime he was here or I was in SF, we would meet up. My last time in SF we went to his Italian place he liked to eat a lot and seemed everyone knew him, then we went back to his house and he showed me his set up for all of his weekly broadcasts. Andrew knew of my deep love of Louis Armstrong and was wearing this incredible Louis Armstrong tie and he took it off and said here, you should have this! That was Andrew! I'm really feeling for my MSU family that were so shaped by his influence. Much love y'all! Life is short, take advantage of the now and prepare for the after. Thank you for all your love Andrew! 

There were 30 people on the tour. I'm not really good about meeting people actually. Talia and I would debate all the time on if I was introverted or not. LOL Obviously she was but I claimed I was too. I do not like to be in front of people or the center of attention. Boy did I pick the wrong profession! LOL I've gotten used to it but when I can,  I like to be in the back and observe. That's kind of what happened on this tour. Everyone was very friendly. I met 10 Filipino guests on my van ride from the airport to the hotel on the first day. I especially remember Marcel because that was my French name I picked in HS in French Class. It was as close as I could get to Marsalis! LOL 

I'm pretty sure I spoke to everyone at least once and had dinner with a few of the people. I've heard rumors that I was the quiet one! LOL  Again, everyone was very kind to me. I regret not getting selfies with everyone! I was more focused on the sites and landscape I guess. 

I did meet Jeff and Sue (which by chance is the name of our bus driver at MSU and his wife) . They let me tag along with them and we sat in that back of the bus. We had many conversations and I really enjoyed getting to know them. I count it a blessing to now have them in my life! At the airport coming home, Tim and Michelle joined us for dinner (terrible place I chose to get my food by the way, praise God I did not get sick). I'll leave it there. We also had a good time of fellowship! 

I'm very comfortable traveling by myself as I have most of my life, but the companionship was an added bonus and blessing. 

Barak! There is so much I want to say about Barak! He was our tour guide. As we quickly found out, not only was he our tour guide but the best tour guide in Israel. Literally on the street people would stop and say you have the best tour guide in Israel. Other tour guides would stop and ask for his information. We saw his boss one night and we were raving and she said "oh, I know" . Barak is a humble man and something tells me we only know the half of how important he is! 

So many of us on the trip really felt it wasn't a mistake that we all were afforded the blessing of Barak, but it was meant to be. 

Barak is a Jew. That was one of the things that seemed it was meant to be, because of all my preparation in coming here, books, podcasts, tv shows, there was a central theme developing that you cannot understand the roots of our faith without understanding the Jewish Traditions and culture and alphabet etc.. Funny that the tour was called roots of your faith. 

Nothing is by mistake. That was another theme and lesson learned which you also learn as you study the Bible and Barak helped point out. Jesus did this specific miracle here because it goes back to the Old Testament ... etc. 

Barak challenged what for lack of better terminology is our Disney perceptions of some of the Bible events. And with his expertise laid out his cases. Not that they didn't happen, but not in the way we have envisioned or just the surroundings. 

Barak, was an amazing shepherd leading his sheep! He was protective of us and I believe takes it personally if we were to get lost. He counts 3 and 4 times to make sure he has us. He has the patience of Job and from being with kids on tours for many years I understand the challenge and I learned from watching him how to lead. 

Barak uses humor and had me laughing quite often. (sometimes Willy Wonka humor  if you know what I mean)

Barak is passionate, loyal, very confident and is not phased by anything that would fall under the category of politically correct. You will never have to guess where he is at on any topic or maybe you! LOL 

It's evident that Barak loves his family very much and honors them well.

Barak shared insight into Talia's name and had again some providential moments. 

Barak really wanted us to experience and feel rather than just go to sites. Very much like jazz soloing, it's not about the scales but what you do from your soul with the scales and notes! 

There will be many more insights I'm sure I will gleam as I get more perspective, but the last thing is the way he lead us physically and spiritually was with the Bible! A couple of these pictures I meant to take, the vast majority of them I did not and was trying to get just pictures of the landscape of city streets, etc.. I went through all my pictures and posted each one I found of Barak holding up the Bible for us to follow. Fist of all that has to be tiring. We saw so many guides have like a stuffed animal on a pole or ribbons on a stick or whatever. We were on a Holy Land Tour and Barak chooses to lead us by the Bible. One of the many revelations to me was you really seeing the complex nature of Jerusalem. It did not matter where we were, If Barak was allowed to be with us as a Jew, he was going to be holding up his Bible! Romans 1:16 I'm not ashamed of the Gospel! Then at every site, we opened the word and read. I heard a lot of explanations from other groups of what we were seeing but seldom if any ever saw people reading the word at these spots. 

Barak will always hold a special spot in my heart and will be grateful for his contribution to my Spiritual growth. 

​Thank you Barak! 

​Oh, and Happy 40th!!!!

Travel day and reflection day if I can stay awake! Bus from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv. Tel Aviv to JFK in NYC. JFK to Detroit. Bus from Detroit to East Lansing. And lastly Steve will pick me up to bring me to Home in Lansing! I don't know why this picture posts like that. I had another one upside down. Oh well. Big thanks to Steve and Beth for taking care of Mia while I was gone. I think Mia was spoiled as always when they come over!!! Thank you!

Woke up to a beautiful sunrise. Today was a free day. Happy to share breakfast with Jeff and Sue and Barak. Packed. Jeff, Sue, and I walked the Jerusalem Wall as far as we could. I then went to the market. 

Today we started with the pool of Bethesda, went to the birthplace of Mary, then walked the Via Dolorosa, went to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, and the Garden Tomb. Then we had a time of sharing amongst the group. I included a picture of our bus driver who rivaled our bus driver Jeff at MSU. I can't imagine a worse place to drive a bus then in the old city in Jerusalem. He has skills! Church of the Holy Sepulcher

​

Today we went to Bethlehem and went to the shepherds field where Ruth and Boaz met. Then went to the church of the nativity and saw where Christ was born. Our tour guide could not go because it's in Palestine so we met Johnny who I admire much. Then saw St. Peters in gallicantu and talked about the denial 3 times, then went to the last supper room which kind of has nothing to do with the painting lol, then went past King David's tomb which isn't really his tomb. I will comment more  as I reflect on the trip

We woke up at the Dead Sea and then traveled to Masada. Then went to the Mount of Olives, followed by the Garden of Gethsemane. Then went to the Southern Steps where we can be 99% sure Jesus walked on those steps.We then traveled to the Western Wall. Because I had watched the 4 part series on the Abraham Accords on CBN, I recognized former U.S. Ambassador David Friedman. There were some interesting things I learned about Talia's name and a painting connected with what I learned. Maybe I'll go into detail later. 

Another amazing day. There are certain landscapes that remind me a little of CA & AZ. I'm in love with colors and flowers and all these bushes are just so vivid in color. Absolutely love it. We started the day with baptisms in the Jordan River which is very small actually. I didn't get baptized because I already have been but did consider it. Nothing wrong with again professing Christ as your savior. There are 30 of us on this trip and they are like family already. We had worship on the boat and celebrated in the baptisms today. We then went to Beit She'an the largest archaeological site in Israel. The big hill they hung the parts of King Saul on the fence up there when it was there. Jonathan and David made a covenant up there, and I believe there was a fortress up there. Then we traveled through the Jordanian Valley along the border the whole time of Jordan through the West Bank  and ended up at the Dead Sea. I went "swimming" in the Dead Sea and it was one of the weirdest experiences of my life. You just float there is so much salt. I literally could not stand from the floating position and their may be a funny video of this which will not be released! LOL It was the first time it felt like a vacation really. I wouldn't really call this a  vacation. Almost more of a spiritual pilgrimage if you will. The things that you have always just had to believe in faith come alive here knowing you stood where David, and Elijah, and Moses, and ..... and of course Jesus. I do hope to be stronger spiritually and especially emotionally. It still will take a long time to heal and some things are just going to be painful until I'm reunited with Talia but I'm learning from her. I hear her all the time challenging me to trust and do everything I say I believe. I think it is truly the best way I can honor her investment in my life. I truly am blessed. I truly also desire for Holy Spirit to be much more influential and grow deeper. I really have seen what lives can look like when led by Holy Spirit! Thank you for all your support and love. 
​Shalom

Another pretty amazing day! I'm not really going into much detail on a whole lot because internet is taking forever to upload pictures. Today we saw a wooden boat that was found in the Sea of Galilee from Jesus's time. Then went on a boat trip on the Sea of Galilee. It was pretty much a worship service and really special time for all of us. Incredible to think that Jesus had calmed the storm, had Peter catch all the fish miracle, and walked on water here. Incredible. We went up to the Golan Heights where we saw the Syrian border filled with land mines and my phone said it was now in Lebanon's phone service. A real sense of the tension here. To me, this is such a holy place no wonder satan wants to attack it and I will leave it there. Then went to Caesaria Philippi where Jesus said I will build my church upon this rock. Then had Falafel for lunch! :) We visited the mount of beatitudes where Jesus preached the sermon on the mount, then went Tagbha where Jesus fed the 5,000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish, then went to the Capernaum saw Peter's home, and ended with Magdala. It continues to be surreal. Very thankful for this opportunity. Talia is always close to me and I go to call her or text her about every 5 mins as I always did when I would travel but feel this trip is an important part of my healing process. Meeting a lot of nice people. Shalom 

Whew! A truly surreal day! Cornelius and Peter, Herod's place, Caesarea, Mt. Carmel where Elijah confronted false prophets, Giddon and Deborah, Valley of Armageddon, Nazareth, Mt. Transfiguration, where Mary found out she was having Jesus, Cana to see where Jesus performed his first miracle, I am now at the Sea of Galilee. There was more but it's overwhelming to be at these places. My spirituality is based on faith and that is what is called of us. This is where many have a problem, but at this point there continues to be so much archeological findings and evidence, it is making faith that much more stronger. What a blessing to be here. 

I love our tour guide. In addition to learning so much about the past we are learning first hand about the present. Today it was very evident how complicated of a place this is. I won't go into it but the tension is real and our perspective of our tour guide is very enlightening and he doesn't really hold back and he loves his country of Israel. 

I texted my friend Anat and she is actually here in Israel right now. However, I'm going to miss her by a day. It would have been so fun to see her but maybe next time. 

Ok, I'm very tired and we have an early morning call. 
​Shalom 

I was happy to leave the Boston airport and the mice running around me! 

The flight was good but very disappointed the airline would not let me keep my window open. I always get window seats to look out the window. I missed great views and pictures of the alps, England, beautiful stars, a sunrise, etc... Later in the afternoon I finally could open it. 

Did get to see the island of Paphos where Paul was.

So all in all a very long day and the biggest waste of a fall time change. Instead of gaining an hour, I lost like 8! 

I'm in Israel! I was very glad I was with a tour group. It was hectic getting out but we were able to bi-pass a lot of stuff as they just ushered us through which was nice but it was very fast paced. 

I met 10 of the 30 people on our tour leaving the airport and had a nice talk with our driver as I sat in the front seat! Driving here is nuts and motorcycles and scooters just drive wherever they want! 

Tel Aviv is rising up there with other cities like Paris, London, and New York. By rising I mean expensive in addition to being a very modern city. Driving through the city I felt like it was a combination of New York, Miami, and Phoenix. I saw an incredible sunset that of course couldn't do justice with pictures. We met everyone on the tour and had a good buffet dinner before leaving for the old city of Jaffa. 

One hard thing is Talia was a collector of Coca-Cola stuff. Anytime I'd travel anywhere, I'd send her pictures of signs or coke things in airports. Both Japan and Times Square have big digital displays so I'd video it and send it to her so she felt like she was here. There are so many coke signs everywhere. So I still took pictures of some of them to kind of keep her with me in that way. 

Solomon called it the port for Jerusalem and got skilled workers and cedar trees from here I believe. Also Jonah heard from God about Ninava here and Peter came here . 

So it starts. Just to think about that I'm standing where some of this went down! Amazing! 

Very tired. Lots of cats here. My niece Esther is destroying me in Fantasy Football today so I'm glad I'm out of the country for that. 

Much love and swing!

That doesn't look like Israel! LOL Travel day! My good friend Jen saved me a Lyft ride and gave me a ride to the Michigan Flyer. Flew out of the D to Boston and now in the airport getting ready to fly to Tel Aviv. Anytime I've traveled to a place I've read or heard about it comes alive. I've been to so many of my heroes childhood homes and gives me a glimpse of what it was like for them growing up. I've been to historical places, many times for the wrong reasons, and the event comes alive for me like visiting the Lorraine Motel in Memphis where Dr. King got assassinated. So I'm going to visit where Jesus walked, where Abraham and Moses and David lived. Everyone says it's life changing. I'll hopefully be able to blog each day but we'll see what the wi-fi situation is. I will leave you today with something that has been spoken over me many times this week just by coincidence. Shalom! Peace!

Double win tonight! Got to see my Brother Keith and his CD release concert and got to go with Lij! 

I'm going to eventually have an album with all my deer picts but had to post these from the other day!

Well, just like that my 8 year tenure is completed at MSU. Again, so much to say and so little time. A million memories and a lot of thankfulness. Good times Bad times, but I have so many new relationships because of working here and I will be forever grateful for that. I'm going to take some time to heal from this last year and see where God directs me next! Much love!!!! 

Been having a great time with Dwight Adams! 

Went to Columbus for VOA voice of the apostles. I went last year in D.C. under different circumstances so didn't know how I'd do this year but I love to see my brothers and sisters live out their faith. I'm trying to learn. Also was able to see my friend Aaron Diehl play in his hometown and took a little walk! 

If anyone knows me you know how much I love Wynton! Such a blessing and a million memories over the years. Thank you so much Wynton for taking time to hang out with me a day before your birthday! Love ya! 

Took a quick break from J@LC week in Ann Arbor and went down to Columbus to see my friends! Everyone as hospitable as ever! Thank you everyone!!

It has been so great to have my Wynton fam around for a week! I'll add more soon. running late but will have much more to say!

It's been 4 months! The pain of her loss is beyond words but am beyond grateful for all the love and support! Talia loved to see her name in public because it happens so little. I went to a cafe with my friend Marcus and he said have you been here before? I said no why. He said open up the menu! She would have been so happy!

Again, I'll have to come back and add on to this post but the view of my last moment of my last tour with MSU! more to come...